


Todd’s List of Rules to Keep Dirk Happy and Stop Farah from Killing Us Both

by nuttersincorporated



Series: How Farah, Todd and Dirk keep each other safe and happy [2]
Category: Dirk Gently - Douglas Adams, Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Again the fact that they are all dating isn’t really the focus, Also more info on the panda case cos a lot of people wanted to know, And Dirk is demiromantic, And they are happy in their polyamorus relationship together, But nope!, Dirk needs them both, F/M, Farah is better at the practical stuff in keeping everyone safe, Farah is pansexual, I bet you thought Dirk was the reason Farah didn't want any more cases invloving Norse Gods, If you are wondering none of them are straight, It should treat them better, M/M, Priest is the worst, Seriously the universe is a dick to it’s holistic ‘tools’, She's the one who made the worst decisions during that case, Todd is better at the emotional stuff, Todd is bisexual, Todd tries to be a better friend/boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 07:40:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13565931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuttersincorporated/pseuds/nuttersincorporated
Summary: A sequel to ‘Farah’s Guide to Keeping Todd and Dirk Alive, Healthy and Functioning with Arguable Efficiency’1.Apologize to Dirk for running off and leaving him alone, so that I could search for Amanda, when we first arrived in Wendimoor. He was clearly having a breakdown and I should have been there for him.I need to remember that Amanda isn’t the only one who needs me. In fact, Dirk probably needs me more. How is he even still alive? He has the survival instincts of a suicidal dodo. I have total faith that he can solve any mystery if he tries hard enough but I don’t trust the universe to keep him safe.While I’m at it, I should also say sorry for calling him a monster back on our first case together. I never really apologised for that one either. God, Dirk deserved a much a better first friend than me. The universe is a dick to him.2.Be there for Dirk when we all have the necessary conversation about Blackwing. Farah knows the questions that need asking better than I do but Dirk is going to need moral support.





	Todd’s List of Rules to Keep Dirk Happy and Stop Farah from Killing Us Both

1.

Apologize to Dirk for running off and leaving him alone, so that I could search for Amanda, when we first arrived in Wendimoor. He was clearly having a breakdown and I should have been there for him.

I need to remember that Amanda isn’t the only one who needs me. In fact, Dirk probably needs me more. How is he even still alive? He has the survival instincts of a suicidal dodo. I have total faith that he can solve any mystery if he tries hard enough but I don’t trust the universe to keep him safe.

While I’m at it, I should also say sorry for calling him a monster back on our first case together. I never really apologised for that one either. God, Dirk deserved a much a better first friend than me. The universe is a dick to him.

2.

Be there for Dirk when we all have the necessary conversation about Blackwing. Farah knows the questions that need asking better than I do but Dirk is going to need moral support.

3.

Buy Dirk some fidget and stress toys that aren’t Mona.

4.

Talk to Farah about how much she’s bringing up Blackwing. Dirk won’t say it but it’s making him miserable.

5.

Regularly remind Farah how awesome she is and how in awe of her we all are. Let her know how very dead we’d be without her.

6.

Make sure Dirk gets enough sleep and to eat while we are on a case. There’s a nice tea shop near where we live, I’ll suggest we go there to discuss theories and developments in any ongoing case. I’ll also remind him that he can’t solve anything if he’s too tired to think straight.

7.

Teach Dirk how to play guitar and jam with him and Farah.

8.

If we take any more cases that end up involving cute but wild animals, like pandas, make sure to keep Dirk away from them. He _will_ try to hug them.

9.

So, it turns out the reason Dirk tries to hug everything is because he is ridiculously touch starved. I need to hug him and hold his hand more often. However, I’ve got to remember to never touch him without warning. He flinches at unexpected contact.

10.

Family is a touchy subject for Farah. Don’t suggest we invite her brother round for Thanksgiving again. Remind her how much she’s achieved as an individual without her family’s support. We are her family now and she’ll always be amazing to us.

11.

Get Dirk and Farah Audible accounts and get Netflix. Dirk needs to listen to some famous books and watch some popular TV/movies. Farah will like the nonfiction audio books and, though she denies it, I’ve discovered she loves cheesy romance movies.

12.

Tell Dirk and Farah I love them more often. Dirk needs constant reassurance and while Farah is more independent she should still know how much I adore her.

13.

Dirk sleeps so much better when he’s not alone. Now that we are all living together, we should always try to make sure that at least one of us is with him when he’s trying to sleep.

14.

Actually go to all the classes Farah has signed me and Dirk up for. I don’t think she’s going to keep letting us get away with skipping them and they _are_ for our own good.

15.

Encourage Farah to hang out with the Rowdy 3 at places like paintballing and laser tag. It’s something they can all enjoy.

16.

Go to the shooting range with Farah.

17.

Don’t say, “Sure,” if Dirk asks if we’d like him to come to the shooting range with us. He almost had a panic attack around all those weapons.

18.

Write a list for Farah about what to do if Dirk has a panic attack.

19.

Detective on not, Dirk is ridiculously easy to surprise with gifts. He loves it when I buy him things just because I think he’ll like them e.g. brightly coloured clothing and kinetic sand. His smile can light up a room. Farah loves Lush products, book vouchers and days out to places like the swimming baths. They both like it when I cook a proper meal for them.

20.

Any cases that make secret services and military organisations like us are good cases. However, where possible, it’s best if Farah and I do the actual interaction with them. Farah knows how to talk to them and Dirk gets uncomfortable around them. After tracing down the stolen crown jewels and bringing the ravens back to the Tower of London, the debriefing by UNIT scared Dirk more than anything else we’d faced.

21.

Make sure Dirk takes his phone with him wherever he goes. I think Farah is sowing a tracking device into his jacket but having his phone on him will still make it much easier to stay in contact.

22.

Petting zoos are a great way to calm Dirk down if he gets worked up.

23.

Use my knuckle dusters to punch anyone who shouts racist or sexist things at Farah. I know she can take care of herself but no one gets away with that shit.

24.

We shouldn’t have waited! If Blackwing ever take Dirk again, call UNIT and anyone else we think can help straight away. UNIT have a lot of pulling power. They managed to find and rescue Dirk in no time flat. Apparently, they have a former Blackwing project, called the Doctor, working with them. Hopefully, UNIT will be able to shut down Blackwing for good.

25.

The Norse Gods can be dicks. Don’t let Farah make a deal with them again.

26a.

Hide as many of the injuries, that Priest caused me, as possible from Dirk. He already feels guilty enough and blames himself, even though none of this is his fault. He thinks he did the right thing by running straight into danger to try and save me. Seeing all the cuts and bruises will just make him think he should have got there sooner when really, he shouldn’t have tried to exchange himself for me in the first place.

When Dirk is calmer, I need to talk to him about not running into danger to save me. He needs to know that I’d rather him be safe, that he isn’t to blame and that he’ll still have Farah if something happens to me.

I also need to apologize again for not being there for him when we first arrived in Wendimoor. Priest is a fucking sadist. No wonder Dirk is so afraid of him.

26b.

Thank Farah, again, for paying my medical bills.

26c.

Farah told me about her plan to knock Dirk unconscious if Priest ever tries to use one of us as bait again. This is a good plan.

27.

Why is a raven like a writing desk?

28.

Get Dirk more strim toys and get Farah some puzzle games.

29.

Get more cases from major chocolate and sweet manufacturing companies! Hopefully, they’ll all offer life time supplies of their products like the lovely Mr. Charlie Bucket.

30.

Disney is evil. Don’t work for them again.

31.

Play more music and write more songs to show Farah how okay I am after her well-intentioned but failed attempt to make me and my old band, Mexican Funeral, make up. Maybe the three of us should start a band together? Dirk is getting good on the guitar and I know for a fact that Farah has a killer singing voice.

32.

I’ve had it with Priest and other Blackwing operatives coming for Dirk and using me and Farah as bait or target practice. It’s time we ended this. One way or another, this has to stop.

Convince Amanda and the Rowdy 3 that now is the time to take Blackwing down once and for all. She’s gathered a large group of people who used to be Blackwing prisoners and we have contacts and friends in high places of our own now. Blackwing is going down!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really enjoying writing this series. I might write a fic about what actually happens in one of the cases that get mentioned in these lists. But that will be after I write Dirk's list, 'How to Keep the People You Love Safe, No Matter What It Takes.' Yeah, the working title for his list has changed. He needs a hug, like all the time. Luckily, Farah and Todd are there to give him one now.


End file.
